THE PURSUIT OF LOVE

Author: Brittany Gardner

Love is such an obscure yet intriguing thing. It’s depicted everywhere in the media and many cultures even have multiple names for it: pragma, eros, philia, agape. All of these words describe different ways that love can be expressed. We all desire it, we search for it, and do crazy things for it. But unfortunately, many of us get deeply wounded in this pursuit. I think it’s because we don’t truly know what we are looking for. In this crazy journey called life, I’ve discovered that without Christ, there is no way to truly understand what love is because He embodies it. In my own pursuit of love, I came to realize that God was actually pursuing me. Let me tell you about how my life changed when I realized that God was chasing after me because He desperately wanted to show me what love is.  

My story starts out like that of many others. I was raised by my mom and dad with two other siblings and just as many other Jamaican families do, we attended church. They claimed that God loved me but the fire and brimstone stuff wasn’t really working for me so by the time I got to college, the concept of God wasn’t anywhere near my mind. I arrived on campus eager and starry-eyed, ready to revel in my newfound freedom. But as I watched their Honda Odyssey minivan pull off from the curb, a heavy loneliness descended on me and I ended up not being able to shake it until the end of my senior year. I definitely tried though. I joined a sorority, went to parties, and slept with men that truly didn’t deserve all my goodness. I spiraled into a confusing tornado of isolation, insomnia, depression, and anxiety and didn’t even know that I was being torn apart. So one night, without really thinking much of it, I prayed. I hit rock bottom and was being drilled further into the ground. I was without the language to even describe what I was feeling, the campus psychologist wasn’t really helping, and I literally didn’t know what else to do so I hoped that he would hear me, even from the bottom of this pit. 

And He did. He heard me loud and clear. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but that next semester I just felt a little lighter. I honestly hadn’t done anything differently. But the heaviness that characterized my every move, making it hard for me to even take a breath, had slightly lifted. But the next semester is when God really showed up. I was spending the spring semester at Spelman College on a domestic exchange program and you couldn’t tell me nothin’! I was ready. I was gonna be at all the parties, in all the clubs, King of Diamonds, you name it, I was gonna do it. AND I was gonna get me a Morehouse Man. But God had other plans. At every corner I turned, there was someone talking to me about Jesus. Every door I opened, from orientation, to lunch in the cafeteria, He was there. Two of the other women on the domestic exchange from another school, who I am still very close friends with to this day, were believers. One of them actually grew up in the area and invited me to her family church for Tuesday night services. I distinctly remember her saying, “You know Brittany, there’s no pressure if you don’t want to come.” But in that moment it hit me and I knew that it was God who was responsible for the lightness I experienced last semester. It was so uncharacteristic of me, but it was like I couldn’t resist it. I had to keep going with her. I had to say yes and I wanted to say yes. And that semester I decided to keep following Jesus. 

The next academic year it only got better. Once I returned to Duke, I felt so new and so refreshed but I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I felt like I was seeing myself with new eyes and the people I usually hung out with wouldn’t understand. But God had already taken care of that. He was pursuing me even before I got to Spelman. During the semester before I did the exchange, my roommate was a strong believer in Christ and a leader in the campus ministry group. I had no clue what a “campus ministry group” was but she invited me to their meetings a few times and also invited me to church. She was my roommate and I wanted to be nice, so I agreed. But all these people that I had briefly met were the very same people waiting with open arms to embrace me once I returned from Spelman. They revolutionized the way I interacted with people and with myself, turned everything I knew upside down. Why were they always so happy to see me? Why did they actually expect a detailed response when they asked me how I was doing? They made time to eat meals with each other, they spent time catching up and talking about things other than class work. Being a part of it was almost intoxicating. I couldn’t stay away. I needed more Jesus, I needed more of these people. It was Jesus in their approach to friendship. It was the Holy Spirit in their prayers for me when I wasn’t even in their presence. It was God in their authenticity. It was love, bursting from their seams. ​